Sunday, 10 October 2010 00:00
I initially pursued that path with idealism and excitement. Along with my fellow novices, we were welcomed by the daily schedule that drilled us in the pillars of Jesuit formation: prayer, community, studies, apostolate. Concretely, that meant observing de more — waking up, praying, going to Mass, eating, cleaning the house, studying, resting, playing, gardening, taking a shower, recreating, and sleeping — the structured routine that initiated novices in settling into the discipline of religious life. De more assured that there was a proper time for everything. It became our “daily grind.”
The “daily grind” of de more sharpens your life into what is essential. But I did not see it that way. I was young and I did not appreciate the tedium of de more.
My first real adventure in the Society of Jesus was not being sent to the missions in Bukidnon, or working in a factory in Pasig. It was nothing of that sort; the adventure was getting in touch with reality, sifting through who I thought I was and who I really am, of what I wanted to happen and what was really happening, of breaking through the superficial and plunging into the deep.
I had imagined Jesuit life literally taking me to distant places. But the real journey was going to take place within. I was not setting out from home; in fact, I was going to find my way back home.
From an outsider’s perspective, religious life seems incomprehensible and outrageous. How do you make sense of a rule that prohibits the use of shampoo and deodorant? How do you make sense of men who could be earning more voluntarily subsisting on a monthly allowance of P150? How do you make sense of a month-long silent retreat? How do you make sense of the vow of poverty? Or chastity? Or obedience?
Religious life thrives on seeing the inherent paradoxes of life. To appreciate a paradox, one must look at it closely. It demands to be examined because how else can you make sense of “joy in suffering” or “strength in weakness” if not by looking at it and seeing beyond the seeming contradiction. * * *
I never thought I would reach this far, nor did I even imagine that I would reach this point. The road has been a long one, and there were times when I thought of stopping and turning back. It was not easy. Many times, I felt impatient about whether this path was meaningful at all. Many times, I felt that I was missing out on a lot of things. Many times, other options were just as equally attractive.
I was young when I began this journey. I’ve grown older since; in the next eight years, I will have already spent half of my life as a Jesuit. Over the years, disappointment has given way to some truth. While there were breakthrough moments that seemed extraordinary enough to sustain one’s interest, for the most part, the real discoveries actually happened in the ordinary, the uninteresting, the routine, the tedious. But one does not usually see these as they happen. Sometimes, the eyes have to be washed with tears to be able to see clearly.
* * *
In two days, I will be ordained a deacon, and in the next six months, a priest.
There is that privileged moment that occurs after being away for a long while, and home is already within sight. It is a time when one feels somewhere in between a desire to go home and a desire to just keep on going. It is a time when one recognizes that while the destination may have motivated you to begin and continue your journey; in the end, it is the journey that eventually makes the destination meaningful.
I’m not as young as I used to be. Over the years, reality has remained the same. But I’m learning to embrace pain, failure, suffering, and loss. I’m also learning to appreciate paradoxes and reversals. In other words, I’m learning to pay close attention to life as it unveils. God is in the details of the ordinary.
My destination is almost within sight. The paradox and reversal in my entire journey is clearer:
God calls the unworthy; I am a sinner, yet called.
* * *
Ultimately, Ogie’s story of faith in God is God’s story of faith in him and in us. Let us pray for our newly-ordained deacons that they may be faithful to their vocation. Let us also pray for one another, for the gift of faith, to see in the paradoxes and reversals of our stories, the steady hand of God steering our lives; and to see in these same revesals and paradoxes God’s unwavering faith in us.
Published: The Philippine Star
Source: http://www.philstar.com/SearchBasic.aspx?searchString=Manoling%20V.%20Farncisco,%20SJ